Find me a love

When I first started on Spark in March ’09, I had no idea what I had to do to get healthier.

Ok that’s a lie. I knew, I just hadn’t found the courage yet.

I know this because that January, I had used my gift certificates not to buy books, but workout dvd’s. Well, OK, SOME books, but I still bought 2 Jillian Michaels’ and a yoga (that I still haven’t used )

The JM’s sat on my dvd shelf for 2 months before I finally got up the courage one day while talking to my MIL on chat to ask for help. She told me about Spark, and that she just joined. I immediately opened a new page and signed up. Then I looked at the JM’s sitting on my shelf, I took out Banish Fat Boost Metabolism, and put it in the player. First thing I noticed was that I needed better shoes and a better bra for this. I rummaged around in my drawer and found an over the shoulder bolder holder that made sure the girls couldn’t move in, and that worked for a while. And when I went back to try the dvd again, I noticed that I couldn’t do half of the exercises the way Jillian and the girls did them. But I was not discouraged. I couldn’t even do a jumping jack. I just waved my arms up and down and legs around-must have looked pretty silly.

But I had a goal. I wanted to still be alive for my son. (No, I didn’t have any pressing health problems, but i knew they were on their way. My dr kept checking my blood sugar levels every time I went in) I also wanted to get below 200. 199 was my goal. that’s about 50 pounds, but I’m not really sure what I weighed on that first day. I didn’t get a scale for about 2 months-there’s some courage for you. Go buy a scale, when you’ve never owned one before.

I also wanted to never feel like a bull in a china shop again. I hate that feeling, where you are trying to move around in a place that is too small for you. Alice in Wonderland and the “Eat Me” cookie. Thanks, cookie. You are always bumping into someone or something because you never really realize how big you actually are. Well, it came to me one day that it was like I was surrounded by a force shield and couldn’t see it, but it affected anything that it came in contact with.

Back to Jillian. I did her workout as much as possible. I got better at somethings and celebrated when I could finally do 5 jj’s in a row! Then when I did my first scissor kick, OMG I was so happy. Then I got bored with it and did some taebo, but couldn’t get into it.

My brother started talking about P90X that he used, but didn’t like that much, so I begged and pleaded and he gave me his! Again, it was SO SO SO hard, but I didn’t give up. I started with no weights and went up from there in tiny increments. I didn’t follow the food plan, I just tried to eat better than I had been. I gave up baking, mostly, since I taste tested a lot of when left my kitchen. I gave up fast foods (except for the occasional Mama Burger from A&W). I gave up Diet Pepsi, I gave up all drinks except water. I gave up chips and dip and popcorn, and bread.

I started eating more fruits and veggies (fresh and raw if I could get them), lean meats like chicken, turkey, good grains like rice and corn (in its original format). Water. Recently coconut oil and chia seeds as well. Protein powder. water water water.

Eat well 80% of the time. leave the other 20% for the times where there’s cake involved, or the only thing around for miles is that burger joint and you are shakey you are so hungry, or you just need to have a piece of s’mores, or nachos with cheese with company, or a dinner date with your one and only. Don’t beat yourself up over the 20%. If it doesn’t happen, fine, good for you. BUT if it does happen and that cake disappeared before you knew it (and you were the only one home), then don’t self-hate. Figure out the “Why” it happened, drink a lot of water, think about it some more, but spin it in a way to ask; “How do I let myself know that I don’t want this to happen again-how can I work it so next time xxxxx is in front of me, I’ll be moderate in what i do with it?” Don’t be thinking hate at yourself. You need YOU to work out the problem, not tear a strip off yourself about it. If you hate at yourself, you’ll find it harder to succeed. You can succeed, but your level of success (IMO) is based a lot on how you feel about yourself.

I love me for being all the things that I am. I love me enough to take the bad with the good. all my little quirks and talents. I love me enough to want to make my life better for me. my health better for me. My body better for me.
My stretch marks? Can’t hate them, I love them. they are my tiger’s stripes during my growing years. My mama wounds when I carried my son inside me.
My cellulite? can’t hate it. I love it-it’s something that happens to any/everybody, and it’s a sign that I need to work on my storage capabilities?
My nose? genetics, and I can’t afford a plastic surgeon. and it looks good on my mom.
My hair? thank you to stylists everywhere, I love the new colour!

freckles? origins depend on who you talk to. don’t ask my Uncle John or you’ll get into a conversation about ants and noses and poop…nuff said.

Muscles? I love LOVE these. Even when I can’t see them, I know they are there. I can feel them under my skin. I can feel them when they are flexed and when they are sore from DOMS! I love that feeling of ache that lets me know that I worked myself to the point of making new muscle tissue.

what this all comes down to is how much you love yourself.

so love you.
Personally, I think you’re fabulous!

Find me a reason

I’ve been toying with the idea of blogging again. it’s been a while, and there was a time, that I would blog every night. It would be about anything and everything. And sometimes, nothing at all.

I’m thinking this summer, I will do my best to blog at least 3 times a week.

I can talk about the food that I’ve eaten. new things that I want to make (and eat).

I can talk about my kid, who is adorable and going to drive me crazy by the end of the summer (IMO).

I can talk about my workouts, which I’ve done before, and will again.

I can just talk about my musings, and life.

SO!! To start off:

My first full week of summer vacation is officially over-7 more weeks to go. During this time, I have a few things that have to happen, because they are already booked, but other than these things, I’m not planning on doing too much.

first off- my wonderful child has swimming lessons every day for the next 3 weeks (maybe 3 more-oy) at 12:30 at a pool 10 min from my house. I’d complain, because it’s in another village, but as it’s 10 min, and I know a lot of people that drive a lot longer to get there (45 min one way!) I won’t. then at the end of August, he’s got a week of hockey camp in the city 90 mins each day, and then 2 weeks later, a week here in my hometown 9-3 every day.

secondly- I’m registered to complete a warrior dash on July 21 with my Magpie17! So excited! and I need to knuckle down and get training.

third- training is hard at this time as I’m still working with an almost healed sprained ankle. I am doing my best to wait until I have a week of pain free ankleness before I start running again. I did get in a 12 minute mile the last time I did a 5k-but that was when I injured my ankle, so I’ll baby run it next week. BUT BUT BUT!!! I am not down for the count! I’ll talk a little more about that tomorrow.

fourth- I’m scheduled to get part of my thyroid out at the end of July. I have a cyst on it. 6cm by 5 cm. and today it’s HUGE!! i can feel it pressing on my throat and stretching the skin on my neck. So I’m looking forward to getting it out. Recovery might suck, but it will be a relief to get it out. btw…I named my cyst Tiffany, so I formally apologize to any Tiffany’s out there. For me it is an outlet in humor to say that I’ve written out the eviction notice for Tiff. Training comes back for this as well, I don’t want to be slovenly during my recovery. I want it to be as quick as possible, but not hasty. So to me this means that I need to be as fit as I can be for that time, so I can bounce back faster.

I think I need to do this: blogging again. I have a feeling, even if no one listens, that it will be good for me.

Til tomorrow…

Seen Tiffany

Well, I’m this much closer to serving an eviction notice to Tiffany.

I saw the endocrinologist today and he told me that all the blood tests and ultrasounds show that the problem is not my thyroid! (insert angelic chorus here)

But Tiffany is still there and still being a pain in the ass neck. I have to go back next week for a biopsy on it to rule out the “Big C”. and then, the doc and I can plan how we’re gonna get rid of Tiffany.

So one stress gone, 2 more to go (psst! that’s the “Big C” and Tiffany).

night all.

“Tiffany” must go!

I’ve decided to name my goitre “Tiffany“. If any of you is named Tiffany or has a friend named Tiffany, I’m sorry for you. Because now the goitre is Tiffany in pink. 

My realtionship with Tiffany is complex. She won’t live without me, but I could live fine without ever seeing or feeling from her again. She’s big, and a bit slothful, and a real bitch. On one hand, Tiffany makes it hard for me to swallow food, but on the other, that means I’m not eating as much=lost weight.

Then again, Tiffany is a freeloader and I don’t want her to get the idea that she can just set up camp anywhere she just damn well pleases and stay there for an unspecified amount of time (or worse, bring in some friends….). This is making me stress eat=more food, albeit in smaller bites.

And Tiffany herself might just be, by being herself, somehow making me gain weight, and sapping my energy at the same time. So I’ve decided it’s time to get help. His name is Dr. X (not his real name, but not even close enough). And he and I and Tiffany are going to sit down tomorrow and have a little chat.

This meeting in itself is stressing me out, and that bitch Tiffany isn’t any help at all.

My de-stressor: chocolate.

But I think you knew that already, right?

Right.

Which Tiffany is still not helping with. Plus, did I ever mention that there are days where it just seems like Tiffany is stretching her boundaries a little bit too much. On those days, I get a tight, itchy feeling near the base of my neck, and I know, just know, that Tiffany is doing something she shouldn’t.

Then to top it off, my friend (L) blogged about a paranoia that ‘something is going to happen’. Now, since she didn’t say to whom or what, this leaves it pretty much wide open, but on the eve of my intervention for Tiffany with Dr.X? I’m feeling a little heeby right now. Suspicious? or Paranoid?

Personally, I want to evict good ole Tiff. And I’m hoping I can with help from Dr.X, but I guess we’ll just have to see what he says tomorrow.

Have you ever had a pesky pest being a pain in your neck?

chocolate here I come……

Pain in the neck

My aunt is a nurse. the text convo we had went like this.

Me: Hi, I think I have an enlarged thyroid, should I go into emerg?

Aunt: well, that’s up 2 u, are you having trouble breathing or swallowing?

Me: not really, but it’s tight and sore and big and tight while I swallow…

Aunt: up to you, but you might want to go to emerg. keep me posted. luv u

Me: Thanks, Luv u 2

So I went into emerg and my mom looked after the boy since Hubby was in the city helping a buddy out. I go in and see the triage nurse (sidenote: our little hospital is not crazy busy, but it’s steady) and she asks what’s wrong. I point to my neck…

That is not supposed to be there.

The dr (after a long wait) took one look at it and said, “Yep, that’s your thyroid. It’s called a goitre. But let’s check anyway.” so he palpated the area, checked the other glands, said that he could really see the butterfly shape of the thyroid and asked me a bunch of questions. Then told me he wanted to take blood and see what the results said, in case an infection showed up on the tests.

btw…the word “goitre” is just not a pretty word. it does not roll off the tongue and I’ve never liked it, even before I had my own.

Came back….nothing. all clear, but thyroid would take longer- a few days. he also wanted me to get an ultrasound on the thyroid (are you getting sick of me writing thyroid? thyroid thyroid thyyyroiiiid!) and the requisition for it.

Oh, and to come back asap if I started sweating uncontrollably.

oooookay…

So I call the Ultrasound office Monday morning for an appointment, thinking at least a week. BUT they can get me in Tuesday due to a cancellation! YES!! Ka-Ching!! I already had the day off for another appointment in the city later in the day, so it worked out just fine.

I also tried getting an appointment with my GP, but she wasn’t in on Monday, Tuesday I called for an appointment the next day and I didn’t get off the phone until I got one. Luckily, the ultrasound and bloodwork results were both back. Blood=fine. U/S not so much.

Apparently I have a large cyst on the left lobe of the thyroid. Huh. ok. more bloodwork to be more specific and the dr is going to get me a referral for an endocrinologist in the city as soon as they can fit me in. I’m to wait for a call with the date and time of appointment and they were faxing all my info right over to the endo’s office.

I get a call Thursday (yesterday) that I have an appointment next week with the endo!! Amazing timing, and I was able to get his fax number and put it on the new bloodwork req so that he can get the info, too.

So, I’m trying not to make it a big deal, taking a pic of it everyday-I think if we’re together much longer, I’m going to have to name it something.

DH asked if he wants me to have him come with me to meet the endo, but I don’t think I want to on the intro visit. I doubt he’ll tell me it’s the big C, and doubt he’ll even take some fluid out  on the first visit, so I think I’m good. BUT he may want to come, and if he does, I’ll let him. We don’t need any more stress in our lives.

BUT, it feels bigger today. more prominent, but I’m not sure. I’ll have to print out the pics and see, or find a way to check anyway. But I’m still just trying to not let it freak me out.

I’m not sure if I’m winning or not.

 

New things new woes?

Am getting out of my comfort zone with things recently. I’m trying out karate with the local dojo. DH wants to give it a try, but so far, it’s just been me going. I also tried empanadas today. Mexican dish with balck beans, cheese in pastry with sour cream and sweet corn relish.

Now, my body is sore and my throat is swelling from the outside. Looks like a goiter (or at least how I imagine how a goiter would look) or like someone’s turning into a bullfrog-throat first. OR like a dude whose adam’s apple turned into an adam’s orange. Hopefully it goes away and is not a result of the foods I ate or the karate from yesterday.

And on another note. My pizza tonight was ah-mazing! store bought crust, grilled chicken from my own bbq, bacon bits, mushrooms, orange pepper and cheese! So so so good, even the burnt crust! – Well the dog liked the crust better, I could tell, he was thinking it at me.

New Rules for My Muscles (New Rules of Lifting for Women pt 1)

Well, my ass hurts.

(Whoa-TMI!!)

Let me be more specific: My ass muscles hurt.

Better?

OK.

New Rules of Lifting for Women Stage 1, Workout B.

(sidenote, I am still not at a gym and using my 7-15 lb weights and resistance bands at home to get the job done) 

I want to get to a gym, but finances and childcare are making this goal difficult.  anyhoo…

I did my workout after Insanity yesterday with my mom and sister. Yes, I am one of those bitches wonderful people that bully guide their family members into the torturous wonderful world of evil exercising.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ahem

So there were deadlifts, dumbbell shoulder presses, wide-grip lat pulldowns, lunges and swiss ball crunches. It’s the deadlifts and lunges that did me in. My upper butt muscles hurt. A. Lot.  But in an entirely good way. I haven’t felt them for a while (no, I don’t mean by groping), but the Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness in them is wonderful. It means I was actually working them hard, breaking down thin muscle tissue so that it will re-grow as thicker (stronger) tissue. Oh, I worked the other muscles, too. my torso is twingy and my arms and back are also DOMSful, but it’s the butt that makes me the happiest.

(not my butt) source

what makes you happy?